Lazy Teenager vs. Frustrated Parent
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Were you a "lazy teenager"?
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What Can You Do?
All they do is sit on the couch and watch television. They spend so many hours using the computer that their butt has left a permanent impression on the chair. You believe that there must be something medically wrong with your child because they are constantly taking a nap. You are concerned. You are disappointed. Most of all, you are angry.
Suddenly, one bright, sunny day, after you’ve repeatedly asked your son/daughter to do something productive with their time and to prove that they still have a pulse, you watch them exit the house. You rub your eyes. You pinch your arm. Your blurry vision and the throbbing pain in your forearm prove that you’re not dreaming. You call to them to not be late for dinner. Without turning around or speaking, they raise their hand up and wag it half heartedly. You’ll take that gesture to mean that they’ll be home in time.
Are they going for a walk? Are they going to meet their friends to play a sport? You know you should’ve pressed them for more information, but you were in shock. Your child, that sweet, phenomenal creature, who, up until today, was a disappointment who only drained your patience and your money, is finally outside, taking steps to a place that isn’t the refrigerator. It’s a good day.
For the first time in months, you are able to sit on the couch in the daylight. You can watch some television. You can read a book. You can do a puzzle or two. You can notice, from this perspective, the dust that has collected on the family pictures. Still feeling happy about your child, you get up and grab the duster. They will see that you’ve dusted their picture and will know that you appreciate them. You look closely at their kindergarten picture. You smile at their missing teeth and that clump of hair that wouldn’t stay down. They were so cheerful back then. They were active and into everything. What happened?
You go into the kitchen and start making dinner. Getting out the ingredients, you realize that you’ve made the same five meals every week for years. This is a special day. You decide to run to the store to get other ingredients. You’re going to make your child’s favorite dish tonight. As you walk to your car, you call your child’s cell phone to let them know that you’re going out, but will be back soon. It rings and rings and goes to voicemail. They must be too busy getting in their exercise to hear the phone ring. You decide to drive in the direction they were headed in. If you see them, you’ll just wave and say you’re going to the store.
Before you can drive very far, you notice something odd. Sitting on the rock pile at the apartment complex around the corner from your house, you spot your son/daughter. They are alone. They are playing on their handheld game system. All of the good feelings you were feeling up until this second, quickly fade away. Once again, you are disappointed and angry. You roll down your window and yell out for them not to be late for dinner. They give you a surprised look. They never thought they’d be caught. You do a three point turn and return home. Along the way, you tune your vocal cords for the yelling you’re going to do when they get home. Your child is once again just a lazy lump in your mind. What is a parent to do about such a child?
In this case, as with many others, the parent needs to take away all technology privileges. If the television was to break, they’d just go to the computer for entertainment. If the computer breaks, there’s always the Gameboy, the cell phone, the iPod and etc. The more gadgets one has, the more prone they are to use one. Were you to take away all of these things, what would be left? Homework? Books? I, unfortunately, can’t think of one teenager who would open a book if all other entertainment options were exhausted.
Is your child sick and/or depressed? Has there been something that may have happened to cause such a dramatic shift in behavior or have they always been somewhat lazy? Being a teenager is rough. Your hormones are ever changing and always crazy. When you add something else into the mix (bad grades, heart break, divorce, death, etc.), things become even more fun. It’s like trying to mop the floor when you have a nose bleed. You’re doing your best to handle things, but your body keeps making you mess up. It’s never a bad idea to go see a doctor.
Still, what should a parent do when their child lacks the motivation to get off of their butt? Beyond removing distractions (television, internet, video games, etc.) and getting their child a check-up, the parent must set a good example. If you want your child to be active, you must be active too. You can’t be yelling at your child to run around the block or throw a basketball if you’re sitting on the couch next to them eating a donut. Offspring, regardless of age or mental maturity, look to their parent(s) to set a good example.
On the other hand, if you’re a health nut, your kids are capable of being lazy too. It’s a form of rebellion. “My parent(s) run two miles every morning and eat granola twice a day so I’m going to sleep till noon and eat nothing, but fried foods.” Every child goes through a period of rebellion. They see their parents as old and they don’t want to end up like them. They would rather risk their health than give in to their parents. One day, they’ll realize how foolish they were.
While every parent would like to have total control of their child until a date yet to be set, its unrealistic. You can’t encourage your child to be their own person while criticizing them for breaking from the mold. You can’t tell them to be more active because, seeing it’s what you want, they won’t do it. You can buy them cool running gear. You can have a tennis court built in your backyard. You can give your couch and ever piece of technology to Goodwill. You can make exercise look fun. Yet, don’t be offended when they don’t change their behavior. Teenagers are complicated people. They are children trying to become adults. They fight the urge every day to call you “Mommy” and “Daddy.” Too often, adults forget what it was like to be a teenager. They forget that the harder they push their child to change the harder their child will push back. When your child decides to be active, they’ll be active. Until then, take many, many deep breaths.
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Right here in the trenches, fellow Moms. I can so relate to that "false hope" when seemingly out of the blue, the teen gives you some sign that they may be spontaneously lifting out of their ennui. Only to find out (as you did) that they're just moving their behavior to a different location.
I do agree that allowing teens to zone out relentlessly with technology isn't helping them. They will not give up the computer, iPod, Gameboy or what have you unless they have something to replace them with.
Hang in there. I have heard from other parents that there is an end in sight. Luckily we have a strong support system here on HP for those still in the war zone! MM
Yep, and what worries me, is that from July it'll only be my youngest and I - and she's the most difficult of the three! Help!
Thank you both for your comments!
Overall I felt this was a good article, but I do have one disagreement.
Technology isn't to blame here. It's attitude. Don’t get me wrong, certain people might need to have certain distractions removed from their routine—but don’t expect that to be the only step in solving the problem.
Taking away technology is akin to treating the symptom, not the cause. Being a teen, I can say that I am quite lazy and struggle with motivation—but that does not mean that I do not desire to do something with my life. My biggest struggle is determining what to do with my life and how I will one day be able to support myself and a family. Everyone I talk to about it feels like a teen's sole purpose in life is performing well in school so that they can get into a good college, and if they don't they are no better than a lump in the sidewalk. This gung-ho college bound attitude is often negative, as college is not the right path for everyone. I know, because I was fortunate enough to stumble across a Carpentry Apprenticeship program that, beyond High school or a GED, only requires that you complete classes relevant to the program. Gone are the days of wasting my time and money at Community Colleges, taking classes that really weren’t going to get me anywhere. College is great for some people—it’s not for everyone.
If you want to motivate your teen the first step is to understand them. Teens want their parents to be proud of who they are, not who the parents want them to be. The best way for a parent to accomplish this is by recognizing your teen's passions and skills. As a parent, you should be paying enough attention to your child that you know what they are good at and what they like to do. Don’t be afraid to share with them what you think they’d be good at, but be sure to focus on their positive qualities. Telling somebody that they will never amount to anything isn’t going to help.
The next step is to provide them the faculties to turn those skills and passions into productivity. The key thing here is to OFFER not FORCE. If you have an artistic child, leave a quality set of pencils and a sketch pad in their room to surprise them when they get home. Don't force them to use it; they'll gain more satisfaction out of contradicting you. On the flip side, do not buy expensive things unless you can be sure they will use them.
The final step is to acknowledge their achievements. It is important that you stay positive. When they do productive things, tell them what they have done well. If their work has fallen short of your expectations, don’t tell them. Focus on what they have achieved and be thankful that they are using their gifts.
The most important thing is to understand how your child reacts to the things you say and do. Remember: don’t keep kicking yourself in the teeth! It hurts! When something you do garners a negative reaction, change your strategy. Don’t turn this into a war of attrition (I.e., who will more stubbornly uphold their routine/point of view). That’s a war nobody wins.
Well, those are my two cents.
God Bless.
Thanks for the read, thetfin! :)
i am a parent and i think you need to beat you child to get good behaviour haha
Jp, dont mention you beat your children near child services. They might arrest you! Haha
"Teenagers are complicated." Love it! So true. "They are children trying to become adults." Years ago I cam across the following quote and it is my parenting principle..."We are not trying to raise children. We are trying to raise adults." Thanks for your hub. We are all going through the same struggles with our teens. And we love 'em anyway!
Thank you for your comment! :)
I always start each day by smacking and beating my kids as soon as they wake up. So far it has worked well. They do everything I want them to do.
Sam, I hope your kids return the favor one day.
Great photo. Sometimes I feel like I need a megaphone. "Hello! I was talking to you!" Teens are on another planet.
It takes so long to find maturity, and once you find it, you're sailing into middle age.
I agree, WildIris. Thank you for commenting! :)
MY 17 year old is lazy and stubborn if she doesnt get what she wants when she wants it she loses it; she is abusive and has a mouth like a truck driver. We have been thru the mill with her already and she's not finished yet. She doesnt do a thing for herself and calls me constantly , she wants everything done for her with out any effort on her part. I am tired of being a parent slave. I think if i did nothing for her she wouyld just stay in room and die.
Losinit, you need to teach your young adult to be more self-sufficient. She will legally be an adult within a year and while you believe you're being a loving parent, you are actually handicapping her. In other words, once she's out on her own, she will be lost and get herself into countless binds that not even you will be able to get her out of. You didn't mention if she'll be going to college. If she is and decides to dorm, she is in for a rude awakening. Having met many girls like your daughter (and having been like her in terms of being overly reliant upon my mother), I know how embarrassing it is to be a certain age and not be able to do basic chores (wash dishes, do laundry, etc.) as easily as friends who weren't hardcore pampered by well-meaning parents. My advice to you is that you stop doing everything for your daughter and try to tune her out when she complains about such and such not being done for her. As you don't want her to starve or attract flies, I would recommend you still cook for her and do some light laundry. Concerning her language and abusive behavior, I am speechless. I was raised by strict parents who made me treat my family with respect. I wouldn't have dared to talk back to my parents and certainly not to swear in front of them. Beyond telling her to treat you with respect and ignoring her until she does, I don't know what else to tell you to do. In passing, I told my mom about your situation and she suggested that you buy a large frying pan and tell her that if she abuses you in any way she's going to get hit. She suggests that you only lightly hit her and calmly reiterate your feelings on why she shouldn't talk back to you. While I do understand my mom's reasoning, knowing how insane this must sound to you and knowing that your daughter would probably call the police on you I'm not going to recommend that you do the whole frying pan thing. I do recommend though that you set your daughter straight immediately before she gets set straight by a police officer or gets killed by someone who doesn't like her lip. She's too young to be written off as a bad person. Train her now to be better and you'll reap the long term benefits. Best of luck to you!
This SO sounds like my son! Except for the fact that if he does not do the simple chores I require him to do (clean his bathroom, wash and hangup/ put away all his own laundry, and clean his room every Sunday) he won't get his $15 allowance. He is one year too young to have a job so $15 is a lot for him.
He wants the money.
If he does not do his chores, I just keep the $15. simple. No arguing. I don't care if he runs out of clean clothes. Saves ME $15.00. But that almost never happens.
Now, getting the boy to exercise has proven impossible. I tired. I just cancelled his health club membership that I opened up for him (with me). He does not want to go. Oh, well.
Carrie, I admire you for standing your ground with his allowance. Too often parents seem to reward their misbehaving children which sends the wrong message. By showing him that laziness doesn't pay, you are preparing him for his adult life and I think that's fantastic. Keep up the good work!
ohhh damn
this is really true
my siblings have the same problems !
Hope you're not like your siblings, Lulu.
I've been racking my brains to find a way to get my third son (nearly 14)to want to do exercise/activities. While writing a real moany message on here I realised that I already had the answer. I'll have to be satisfied with the few things he will do - however mundane or different. The ony success I've had so far are: short bursts of gardening on the allotment, occasional canoeing with his dad, days on the beach (1 hr away)- winter or summer where we build giant sandcastles using the garden spade, playing in the garden with the dog or walking round the shops.
It only frustrates me and makes me fall out with him if I try to get him to do anything else such as cycling, walking the dog or swimming. Maybe he's too self-conscious about being seen? Hopefully this 'laziness' is just a phase and he'll develope more motivation to move in a few years. I think thats how it worked with the other two, although they did go out to play football with friends, which son3 doesn't. I probably need to do something about the lack of friends but I'm not sure what yet.
I honestly feel like we're discussing my 14yo! I've been going through similar struggles with everything mentioned here and worn slam out with it! steephill, is your son into video/computer games? I suggested to mine the other day, invite some friends over to do these things. While it is far from the ideal situation, it's a start, and at least could start opening the door to other better activities. My son is highly opinionated and critical about kids and just doesn't seem to get that a friend isn't suppose to meet his entire "pie in the sky" expectations. Excusing are plentiful about how someone is ill-equipped to make an appropriate friend and few about how they could. Truthfully, for mine I think it all points back to a laziness issue...it's easier to chat w/ folks thru IM.
now children are writing exams my sister is alawys in bed and when i shout at her everytime when i get back from work...my mother thinks that i'm rude and i dont like her and that worries me because she wont pass at the end of the year becauuse of her...behavior.
WOW! I am at my Wits end - Not a mom here but a Dad to a 14 year old son, in a good marriage. I work 12 to 15 hours a day - I set an example - I work around the house - I also relax when I am done (seems to be the only thing he learns from me) - I am positive with his accomplishments - and supportive of his short comings - Sometimes I yell when I get too frustrated but not that often. Punishment he could care less it always "Ok" and he will sit like a lump or sleep til his grounding is complete. He puts just enough effort into school to get c's & b's (it all comes to easy for him after struggling with early childhood learning development) Point blank stated if I do any better people will expect more of me. I know it is tuff being a teen But I just want to throttle him 1/2 the time. I was beat and I turned out fine (but I know that is no solution) NOW he thinks he is depressed because he has symptoms he learned in Health! Tired, lazy, sad. Thinks he needs medicine. He is tired because he is LAZY and slightly over weight. Had his heart broken by a girl 2 months ago but he handled it maturily talking with his friends, talking with me, But shouldn't it be time that he is over it now? This is the real reason I believe he thinks he is depressed because he still sees her every Sunday and goes to youth functions where she is at. I told him to just be polite say hi and gotta go and it will be fine. Oh and as you probably already know as his parents we don't know anything.
i have two teenagers who do nothing .lazy to the extreme.the only way i would get them to do chores is if a computer could do them.
I'm the single mother of two boys ages 16 & 18 their father really takes no interest in their lives or well being so it's up to me to raise them both.
I honestly cannot relate to boys on any level emotionally or understand their problems on a level they want me to understand so basically I listen to what they have to say for as long as they want me to listen then when they are done they get up and move on, but I do try hard don't get me wrong to try to understand what they are going through and what it is they are needing.
I constantly reiterate that I love them a lot, and as they were growing up I constantly tried to instill in them the importance of finding out what you want to do with your life because if you start making your decisions now, when the time comes you will be prepared with at least something. Here it is, my 18 year old is the laziest thing I have ever seen and the most unappreciative person I know. He doesn't care about school, he just goes to school and sleeps or daydreams, he's smart (Very smart) and has deep and intelligent conversations with anyone who is willing to conversate with him.
He loves politics with a passion and wants to get into politics and the military, but here's the kicker, he's so lazy he doesn't want to graduate high school. He's going to be 19 soon, and I have tried every way that I can to motivate him to do his school work, and have tried to show him that the military does not take GEDs anymore nor do many jobs since jobs these days are really hard to get because it's a competitors market and the only way you're going to make it in that market is with an education. What does he do? Sits on the laptop, I put him in an accelerated program so he could graduate and he doesn't put forth any effort, all I get is complaints from his teachers that he just sits there on the same packet for three months. when he gets home he just gets on the laptop that the school gave to him to do his homework on and sits there for the rest of the night. I'm so tired of him I could choke him, he doesn't do anything I ask him to do the dishes but to rinse them first please, he doesn't do that so it ends up that they have to be redone because of the stuck food on there. I come in and get blasted out by music to which I ask him to turn it down and he ignores me so I yank out the speakers and he gets mad. I have tried taking away his technology and he just goes to sleep, he doesn't care, he's not motivated and I'm tired and frustrated. I'm about ready to pack him and a bag and throw him out the door. My friends have tried to help him and we try to give him incentives to get him to do his school work, but he says that he is just going to sit in school until he is 19 and they will kick him out, Then what is my question? Does anyone have someone like this??
I could definitely use advice, and I have bought him things that I he likes and all he tells me is how I wasted my time and money buying him things like this and he doesn't want it, he wants video games (WOW) and I told him Not on your life, so he doesn't want things that I buy him that would help him to develop the good things in his life like artists sets, or political books or something I know he would like, he just tosses it to the side and never touches it again. Would you all kick him out? What would you do?
Shellybelle39, I felt like you were describing my step-son. I am so frustrated only more so that my son is 20 years old. He got fired from his job due to being late and missing meetings. Further, his dad helped him get another job and he has been late many days to the new job he only had for two weeks. His dad gives him everything he wants to assure him to be successful, but he takes the offerings to become even more lazy. I am so sad a frustrated, i want him out!!!! I feel that is the only way he is ever going to learn...we are talking about young men one day becoming fathers, husbands, active parts of society. No they do not have to go to college, no they do not have to follow our advice on their future, but they need to come up with a plan. I do no mind helping you out, but u have to help yourself first. I am not lazy, nor is my husband who works hard everyday and with no reward!!!!!!!! We do everything!!!!!! As long as we enable our children to be lazy that is what we are going to get. I just wonder how to handle the dad who feels that he is helping, when really he is causing more harm? Thanks
Youth is wasted on the young
No child should be allowed yo sit for hours on end. Lazy parents should schedule activities for their kids and interact with them on a regular basis. Its your job to raise and love them, not the electronic devices that you bought for them.
The funny part about this is i have a gaming computer sit right next to me and i dont even touch it till the weekend ?
Many thanks for this eye-opening article! I've been going out of my mind, trying to encourage, inspire, and guide my teens to become more active. I am a 'health nut' and an early-bird. I have done everything under the sun to motivate them to wake up at a reasonable time, to volunteer, to find a p/t job, or something...anything...to spend their time productively. Nothing has worked so far. Hence, I will be taking many many 'deep breaths' until next year, when they turn 18. Inhale...exhale...inhale...exhale...
We are all experiencing the same thing...unfortunately we are the "past" generation now and we were far more active than this yoimger y generation. The x generation were movers n shakers! Good luck parents, hang in there, keep giving good advice and take care of "you" most importantly bc if you are not well you can't assist your child. I have a 14 year old w similar issues. Go to the spa or get a massage as often as possible and ...breath ;)
I get the impression from this article that none of you understand the internet, teenagers, or the difference between 'lazy' and 'not going outside.' While I don't think the recent epidemic of children and young adults living their lives out on the internet is healthy, I'm going to remind you all that they don't do it because they're 'lazy.' They do it because it's how life works now, people use the computer for a great many things. I, for example, write articles, debunk studies, and criticize movies. I am a teenager, this is how my time on the internet is spent.
First, I would like to remind you all that these are teenagers. Once upon a time the stupid unhealthy habits of teenagers were pot smoking, hippie being, and at one point in time blowing up a toilet like in American Graffiti. One of you commenters is bound to be old enough to remember one of those things. And one of you is bound to be intelligent enough to realize that taking part in one of those things didn't make you a lazy or bad child. It made you human.
Second, I'd like to remind you of what TV was like when you were ten. Adam West's Batman, while classic, is really stupid. I mean it had the intelligence of a slug. And the Brady Bunch? And then the Brady Hour? Go back and look at some of the stupid shit in those. Then look at the 90's 'Are You Afraid of the Dark?' Still pretty stupid. Now go watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, which is geared at a much younger audience than any of those things. And that is not stupid. It's actually got themes, plot, realistic and fleshed characters. It's geared towards six year olds. Look at the dark and gritty edge superhero cartoons and animated features have been pushing since The Dark Knight. Would you have understood this when you were a child? My point is, while technology may be bad for our health, the changes that have to made in our IQ tests every five or so years goes to show that we're getting smarter, and I assume this is partly due to technology. The point is that young people today can understand narratives and themes and plots in television you couldn't at their age. That while you may be smarter than your children, on average each generation is considered to be more intelligent than it's predecessor (we physically have more neurons, though that doesn't really mean much).
Third, a lot of you sound like you have terrible teens, but a lot of you sound point blank like whiners. If your kid gardens, builds sandcatles, and canoes, why do they need to 'cycle?' Maybe it's just something your kid's not interested in doing. One of you suggested a lazy kid needed to be set straight or that one day a police officer would straighten them out. Come on let's get real laziness isn't illegal. One of you thinks that the serious concern your son came to you with about being depressed is just him being lazy and upset over a girl. I hope for your sake that you're right, because otherwise not believing your teenager about a serious mental health problem (that does lead to lethargy and sleepiness, by the way) will probably make them resent you for the rest of their life, and you'd deserve that. Also to the 'early bird' adolescents are inclined to go to bed later and wake up later, really. Often times older adolescents physically have issues sleeping earlier as that;s not who they're biological clock works. And obviously the later you get to sleep, the later you're going to wake up. Look up Mary Carskadon of Brown University's research on this. Also, a lot of you talk about outdoors and productivity as if it's the same thing. Swimming or cycling isn't actually productive, it's a fun thing, it's just a healthier hobby than reading or gaming. And also as a teenager I'll be honest, I don't want to be productive outside of my chores. I'm a teenager, I may want my house clean but I don't want to renovate it, and it's not my job to be productive most of the day when I get home. Don't forget, just because I don't work doesn't mean I don't go to school and have school activities I have to do, as well as finishing my art projects. So while I might dust the house, or tear wall paper down, or organize a closet, to do dishes, or mow the lawn, it's not my job to make sure once what I need to do is done that I just keep doing. Doing is not my objective at this point in time.
This is such stereotypical bullshit. Not all teenagers are like that; you're just ignorant.
this is so much bullshit
To newly adult and Rocky: "Wait for your own bullshit till you get your own teenagers."
All of this is so hypocritical. Not all teenagers are the same and nothing infuriates me more than when adults make it out like teenagers are some terrible, disrespectful and disappointing breed of human. As a teenager myself, I can fairly say that I do my chores nearly every day, simple things like collecting firewood, doing the dishes, laundry and cleaning my room. I get good grades, am fit and healthy, play sport and hang out with friends. Yes, sometimes I sit on the computer for an hour on Facebook or play the Xbox occasionally, but how does that make me a bad kid? I do everything I need to and am reasonably happy, but as soon as I have some relaxing, technology time, I get in trouble and 'never do anything around the house'. Sure its all fine for people to say , wait until you have your own kids and then you'll understand. Will I really? Because I'm pretty sure that when I have my own children, I will listen to them and respect them and hopefully have a close relationship with them. If they want to sit on the lounge and watch movies, let them. If they want to go for a jog everyday, let them. As far as I see it, as long as my kids will be happy, I will be happy. We're all teenagers at one point, so I find it very hypocritical when older people judge teenagers just because they seem different and less mature. The point of being a teenager is to be different, as we're still all learning about the world. We don't want to grow up right away, but when the time comes, we will. Besides, hearing stories from my parents and grandparents, sitting on technology or being lazy is nothing and a lot more safer compared to things teenagers did in the past. But it's all apart of growing up, so to all you parents out there, I say listen to and respect your children and try to understand that they don't see the world through your eyes yet, give them space and time to grow up and most importantly, let them be themselves.
It's funny to read the teenagers' comments; they show just how immature teenagers really are.
If I have nothing to do, I just have to daydream. And, believe it or not, it gets me running at 60 MPH because it's so exciting. It only stops if my throat gets dry or someone intrudes on my dreaming. And I actually don't daydream about me, I dream about a few crazy things my mind has developed over a few years. (OR, you play some *cough*epic*cough* music.)
I also don't see why technology is all that bad, at least if you're viewing the right things. It taught me how to type quicker than anybody else in my own school, math skills, writing skills, motivated me to draw, motivated me to animate...
And I can read people's minds. Don't ask. (Even though I know that you're thinking. 'Man is this person crazy! I thought that this post had some meaning until this point!')
Please ignore that paragraph~ I couldn't help it~
{Now you're thinking something on the lines of "WELL WHY THE HELL DID YOU INCLUDE IT IN YOUR COMMENT!!"}
cindyvine Level 2 Commenter 3 years ago
Thanks for answering my request! My daughter does get off her butt to go cycling around the compund, but does absolutely nothing to help in the house. Taking her plate to the kitchen after she has finished eating is even too much hard work for her! When you ask her to do something, she shouts, stomps her feet or sulks and leaves the house. Grrrrr teenagers!